What to do about New Hampshire’s proposed domestic violence laws

By Beth Morrison, HAVEN President and CEO

Yesterday I read two articles on domestic violence. One frightened me to the core. The other gave me hope for the future. Thankfully the positive article is coming out Michigan, and the frightening stone-age article is out of New Hampshire!

But, we have to be cautious and not say, “well thank goodness we don’t live in New Hampshire.” We all know in today’s environment how one state’s action can set off a chain reaction across the country. And even if these potential stone-age mentality laws on domestic violence pass in New Hampshire, it is one state too many that isn’t supporting victims and that would be wrong!

The two proposals in New Hampshire would: 1) prevent law enforcement from being able to immediately arrest an abuser who has assaulted his partner unless the officer has actually witnessed the crime take place; and 2) limit the grounds for which an officer can arrest an abuser who violates a domestic violence protective order.

 Since most domestic violence occurs behind the closed doors of a private home, we all know the chilling and violent outcomes that will occur with the passage of this first piece of legislation. And with the second proposed law change, we also know how lethal the period of time is after ending a relationship so therefore not appropriately addressing PPO violations will ultimately result in more fatalities.  I see absolutely no good in what New Hampshire is considering, unless of course you are a batterer and looking for additional ways to avoid accountability!

So what do we do, what is the call to action?  As the saying goes, “Think globally, act locally” – now is a great time to contact your elected officials, all of them, and speak out on the crimes of domestic violence and sexual assault. Make sure all know that we are not going to stand by and accept any action that takes us back to the decades of the past.

1.  Reach out to your local school board members – praise those that bring prevention education into their district and insist that those that don’t to do so.
2. Contact your local village, city, township officials and ask about how they address the crimes of domestic and sexual violence.  Is there law enforcement agency adequately and annual trained on the topics, what are the local municipal codes on these crimes (most arrests happen under local municipal codes), are best practice protocols in place for assisting victims such as paging an advocate, etc., do they provide financial support to victim serving agencies such as HAVEN via city funds, CDBG funds, etc.
3. Congratulate, in Oakland County, the County Commissioners, Sheriff and County Executive for their continued financial support of our START program, a terrific best practice program that collects the forensic evidence after a sexual assault.
4. Call or visit your State elected officials. Talk about the bad legislation pending in New Hampshire and how wrong it is and has no place in Michigan. Encourage them to consider the pending legislation highlighted in the Michigan article. Ask them about their stand in making sure victims are supported via legislation as well as funding for victim serving organizations.
5. Reach out nationally, to our local Congress members, let them know that they need to ensure the passage of VAWA in 2012 so we can make sure that victim serving programs here in Michigan and across the country have adequate resources to provide life saving programming.
6. An election year gives us a great opportunity to challenge candidates, whether they are running for President of the United States or the local city council, on the important issue of domestic and sexual violence. No candidate is going to say they support the abuse of women and children but challenge them to talk about what their plan is to address current victim needs, batterer accountability and prevention education.

Editor’s note: Do you have any suggestions of ways to get involved? Please share them in the comments below! And thank you for taking action!

The power of numbers

By Megan Widman, HAVEN Social Action Program Director

In December, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) released a 124-page report outlining the prevalence of domestic violence and sexual assault in the United States as measured by phone surveys to over 16,000 households.  For those of us who work at HAVEN, the report was not as noteworthy for its content as it was for the attention it garnered from many media outlets, including CNN, MSNBC, and the BBC – and rightfully so. 

After all, it should be front page news when we discover that nearly 1 in 5 women have been the victim of attempted or completed rape, and that over half of these victims were raped by their intimate partners.   Our country should be shocked when we learn that more than one out of every three women (35.6%) has experienced rape, physical violence or stalking at the hands of their intimate partner.  We should be taking to the streets upon hearing that nearly half (48.4%) of all women in our country have experienced psychological aggression and abuse by their intimate partner.

This extensive report confirmed what we already know – that intimate partner violence is an epidemic in our country.  It is a crime that disproportionately affects women and girls.  Perpetrators of domestic violence and sexual assault use these tactics deliberately, to gain or maintain power and control.  And, because of this, intimate partner violence and sexual assault are now widely recognized as preventable public health issues.  It is exciting that the CDC is now approaching violence prevention in the same way that they have approached the spread of infectious disease – and understanding the scope of the problem is an important step in approaching prevention in a systematic, informed manner.

But the fleeting attention this report received is not enough.  And we at HAVEN are again reminded of how much work we still have left to do.  And the questions still abound: How can we raise consciousness on these issues every day of the year?  How do we work in our community to change the attitudes and norms that support these crimes?  How do we continue to engage our community members to do this hard work? 

And, so, numbers are powerful.  They paint a picture.  They lend credibility to an issue.  And we are thankful for any public attention that is given to the issues of domestic and sexual violence.  But we brace ourselves as the spotlight fades – because we know the next time the media shines a light on these issues, it will probably be because a tragedy has occurred.  We hope that through our advocacy, counseling, and prevention work in our community that we can perhaps prevent the next murder-suicide or violent sexual assault. 

We believe that intimate partner violence affects all of us.  If you or someone you love has ever experienced domestic violence or sexual assault, you know that even one person is too much.   Isn’t that the only number we need?

HAVEN Celebration of Strength

On January 19, HAVEN is hosting Celebration of Strength, to thank and celebrate everyone for their impact on our mission in 2011, and we’re hoping you’ll be able to join us.

 

We’re awarding a few standout individuals for their lasting voice, support, and assistance in 2011:

 

Voice for Victims: Paula Tutman  from WDIV Channel 4
This award is for someone who has used their celebrity and/or ability to reach out to the public in the past year to raise awareness of HAVEN issues.President’s Award: Peg Hamilton
This award is selected by HAVEN President/CEO and is in recognition of someone making a significant contribution to the HAVEN mission in the past year.

Phoenix Award: Harriet Cammock

This is for a survivor who has courageously raised their voice against violence and have used their personal story to encourage and inspire others.

 

Corporate Champions for Change: Plante Moran and Art Van Furniture

This award is for an organization (or two) who have volunteered their time, talent and treasure to HAVEN in the  past year.

 

Heart of HAVEN Award: The Honorable Edward Sosnick

This award is given to an individual who truly emulates the work and vision of HAVEN.  This person has dedicated their life to raise his/her voice against violence and has made a significant impact in the community.

 

If you or someone you know would like to attend the dinner, please visit our website to purchase tickets, or contact Kristi Pavlak with any questions at (248) 334-1284 ext. 341.

Giving back: lessons from a 6-year-old

By Beth Morrison, HAVEN President & CEO

This past weekend at the annual Morrison holiday gathering, my nephew shared a story about his son that really touched my heart and I’d like to share it with you.

Grant had just celebrated his 6^th birthday, where he had received $4.00 as a gift.  At the same time, his school was participating in a donation drive for the “needy.”  He asked his dad, Josh, what all of this meant, why were they giving presents to someone they didn’t know.  Josh gave Grant his first lesson on philanthropy, the importance of giving to those who have a need greater than oneself. Grant went into his bedroom and brought out his $4.00, the only money of his own that he had, and gave it to Josh, saying he wanted to help too.

Some of the many donations at Gift Giveaway

Earlier this month, I had the opportunity to spend a short period of time with some volunteers at HAVEN’s annual Gift Giveaway. The volunteers were sorting donations and preparing for HAVEN clients to come and receive items for their children and their household during this holiday season. While we were sorting, members of our community were stopping to drop of donations, from carloads to a small bag with one toy.  All in the spirit of giving – just like Grant with his $4.00 contribution.

During this time of giving, we have a time of great need. Our shelter is literally bursting with 52 women and children in residence with us. From a two-week-old to a 17-year-old and nearly every age in between; 39 children spent Hanukkah and Christmas with HAVEN. And after the holidays end, there will be hundreds more children come and go from the HAVEN shelter in 2012 as well as hundreds in our non-residential programs. All waiting for someone to help them find hope for the future.  Thankfully we will be there to do just that.

As important as it is to give during the season of giving, please remember the needs run deep throughout the year. Consider making the issues of sexual assault and domestic violence a priority in 2012.

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If you choose to make a gift prior to December 31, it will count toward your 2011 taxes. Make your gift online today, or contact our development staff if you have any questions, (248) 334-1284 ext. 341.

Thank you for your support and Happy Holidays!

Laura Berman’s disturbing article from the Detroit News

By Andrea Redman, HAVEN Therapist 

As a victim advocate and counselor for adults and child victims of sexual abuse I am more than doubly disturbed by the points Laura Berman has made in the article, “Peeping Case Doubly Troubling” which appeared in her column with the Detroit News on December 8, 2011

Laura Berman’s article focuses on Dr. Weinblatt, who was accused of repeatedly watching a 12-year-old girl (who was also his patient since birth and next door neighbor) undress in the safety of her own home.

Ms. Berman chooses to focus on the actions of the child and her mother, detailing how they should have acted to prevent being peeped on and what they should have done in response to that crime. Ms. Berman, to put it simply, you are blaming the victim.  Your article devalues the mother and child in this case and shifts the focus of the reader from the real issue, which is a very established and trusted doctor in the community was caught on video watching his 12-year-old neighbor and lifelong patient undress in her own bedroom on at least four different occasions.

Laura Berman chooses to refer to the alleged perpetrator as the “good doctor” and a “respected community figure” detailing how his life and practice (which gives him unlimited access to minor children) have been suspended, while he must “fight these charges” and minimizes the serious nature of the alleged crime by describing it as just “inordinately creepy.” Ms. Berman goes on to examine and critique the mother’s choices upon noticing her pediatrician and next door neighbor watching her 12-year-old child undress. Ms. Berman’s exact words are:

“I don’t know the good — or not so good — doctor. But no matter what the court verdict or truth is, his reputation is sullied and his career derailed. These are neighbors, remember. But rather than confronting him directly, or suggesting her daughter dress elsewhere, a mother allowed her daughter to willfully disrobe in clear view of the neighbor’s window. That was a strategic move and a choice, not that she had any easy choices to make. In the complicated world in which we live, it can be both simpler and more proper to shatter a man’s life than to close the blinds. “

 Ms. Berman I have several questions for you:

 1.    By suggesting the child dress elsewhere or that they close the blinds are you meaning to imply to the reader that the problem lies with the temptation that a 12-year-old girl gives to a grown man and that if he happens to see her naked, well, he can’t help staring and lingering at the window? 

2.    Do you realize you suggested that the other option (and more reasonable as it could be inferred by your semantics) was that the mother pull the blinds or confront her neighbor and as you put it well-respected good doctor she believes to be peeping on her child? How safe did you assume a woman with a young child would feel confronting such an established member of the community on his own doorstep?

 3.     What exactly should she have said to her daughter? In case you aren’t sure I took the liberty of writing a script:

 “Honey your doctor, the nice man who lives next door, well, he has been watching you undress through your window and I think that it is because he is tempted by your 12-year-old body and it makes him aroused.  Please, for the sake of his name and reputation, can’t we just close the blinds? I will go talk to him and ask him if he would be able to refrain from watching you undress and lingering in his window to see your naked body. Okay honey, well go outside and play and remember, please be nice to Dr. Weinblatt if you see him outside.”

4.    In light of the Sandusky case that has been ever-present in the news it is hard to imagine that you really suggested this mother look the other way after noticing inappropriate criminal sexual behavior from the next door pediatrician, is that what you were intending to suggest?  To further clarify for our readers, were you suggesting that the victim’s mother protect the alleged perpetrator over the hundreds of children he comes into contact within his practice?

Ms. Berman, you may not have intended to so blatantly blame the victim in this case. You may even defend your story by saying that the “good doctor” is innocent until proven guilty.  It is possible to preserve the dignity and rights of the victim while also respecting the presumption of innocence until proven by guilty without dissecting the actions of the victim and her mother.  What is there to gain by defending an accused child predator before his trial has even begun? I prefer to protect the rights of children and their caregivers, assuming their innocence in their own victimization and refrain from suggesting what I would have done in their position, because the truth is, it is not possible to know.  It is my hope that you never do know what it’s like to be in the victims position Ms. Berman, but if you or someone you love is I will be there to defend your rights should some writer put the blame and judgment on your shoulders.

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If you feel the same as Andrea, please feel free to leave a comment on the Detroit News article, or contact Ms. Berman directly at  lberman@detnews.com or (313) 222-2032.

Lions’ fan hits girlfriend, judge jokes about abuse

Fan Jailed for Hitting Girlfriend over Lions’ Poor Performance, The Oakland Press headline reads.  The next article regarding this crime will probably read something like – Girlfriend Teased Fan about Loss and He Rightly Hits Her.

Can we stop sensationalizing intimate partner violence? Can we just call it what it is instead of making it all sound so cute and funny? Can we stop minimizing domestic violence, making it sound like a person just “lost it?”

Michael  Ottman is being held in the Macomb County Jail for punching his girlfriend in the face. A choice he made; a behavior he must be held fully accountable. Nothing funny there. He hit her.  Oh and let’s note, it was his second offense.  This story is not about the Lions, not about wins and losses but about a man abusing his partner.

And maybe instead of the judge stating (“in jest”): “We probably should make part of his bond condition that he shouldn’t watch the Lions games because apparently he can’t handle it,” could have stated how there is no tolerance for abusive behavior in his community and no tolerance in his courtroom for excuses.

Sexual harassment and teens

By Beth Morrison HAVEN CEO

My heart raced. I was dreading walking down that long hallway and just wishing I could evaporate.  Each and every day from 7^th grade through 12^th grade, I felt this dread and had this awful moment occur over and over again.  I was enduring sexual harassment, although in the 70’s I had no idea what it was called, I just knew it was painful and wrong.

In my school the boys would line up against a long row of windows and during breaks between classes, they would “rate” the girls that walked by them daily, and often hourly. We were rated on our breast size, weight, appeal, appearance, “easiness” – you name it.  I don’t recall in the six years of experiencing this harassment, ever seeing a teacher or another student questioning it or attempting to put a stop to it.

So how much has changed since the 70’s? Apparently, not much. In a recent study released by the AAUW nearly half (48%) of the students surveyed experienced some form of sexual harassment in the 2010-11 school year, and the majority of those students (87%) said it had a negative effect on them.  Verbal harassment (unwelcomed sexual comments, jokes, or gestures) was the most prevalent form of harassment. 

Girls are sexually harassed more than boys, and girls’ experiences tend to be my physical and intrusive than boys’ experiences. 1/3 of girls and 1/4 of boys said that they observed sexual harassment at their schools. More than half (56%) of these students witnessed sexual harassment more than once during the school year.

Many of the students who admitted to harassing others didn’t think of it as a big deal (44%) and many were trying to be funny (39%).

So most of the victims said the harassment had a negative impact on them and nearly half of the perpetrators said it was no big deal or a joke.  When are we going to realize, across all ages, that talking inappropriately about a woman’s breast size, laughing and taunting about a person’s sexuality, talking offensively or inappropriately about sex, is NOT FUNNY!

Take Herman Cain for instance. We actually have someone running for President who believes his sense of humor is fine, that these women just can’t take a joke. In 2011.

It is time to take sexual harassment seriously. It is time that we give our children a safe place to learn and appropriate role models to surround themselves.  Let’s give our children the skills they need to be safe and the skills necessary to learn respect for those that are different from themselves. Let that be our legacy instead of handing down another bad “joke.”

To get more information about HAVEN Prevention Education presenting at your child’s school, please call (248) 334-1284 ext. 360.

Penn State missed a teachable moment

By Beth Morrison HAVEN CEO

Imagine this scene in the Penn State Football locker room: Coach Paterno walks in and gives his players the horrific news, that one of their own was caught raping a young boy. He talks about how proud he is of his young graduate assistant coming forward with what he had witnessed. He shares how difficult it was to sit with this young man as they contacted authorities, including the police. He shares his outrage at the abuser and how victimizing children is wrong. He challenges his players to be active in ending violence against women and children and they discuss how they, this privileged team of young men, can make a difference.

Wow, what a powerful scene. Sadly, we now know that this is not the scene that played out at Penn State.  Instead it was football as usual and the silence on this horrific crime was condoning.

Those of us that are parents, or work with children, look for teachable moments.  Boy, did Penn State miss an incredible teachable moment!  But it is not too late to turn current events into just that. With Joe Paterno out, as well as many others, it is time for the Board of Trustees, other coaches, players, and students to step up to the plate.  What if the students who rioted on Wednesday night in support of Paterno put the same amount of energy into action – action to end sexual violence.  Education on the crime of sexual violence, teaching and modeling how the community can take an active role in its elimination, relooking at coaching and how it is more than coaching to win, but to grow responsible young men and women – this should be the focus of Penn State.

Ironically, Penn State has been placed in the “Leaders” division of the Big Ten. We know Penn State failed in this area over the past 10 years in not fulfilling their legal, moral, and ethical obligation to protect children.  Now is the time for their final exam – will they be a Leader in setting a new course for their community and for college athletics in general?  Does Penn State and Happy Valley have what it takes to be a true winner, a winner for leading a life without violence?

But the same question can be poised for our own community – does Oakland County have what it takes to eliminate violence against women and children? Are our coaches, school officials, athletes, parents, and community members ready to step up their game and address the horrific crimes that are happening right here at home?  Ready to learn more, ready to be engaged?  Let me know, let’s talk, let’s start something new.

Giving thanks…and gratitude

By Beth Morrison HAVEN CEO

Gratitude is a word frequently used and heard at HAVEN.  A friend of mine has started posting a daily moment of gratitude on her Facebook page, pointing out that gratitude comes in both small and large forms.  So I jump into the gratitude movement with the start of my own list:

• I am grateful for my family who accept me, flaws and all.
• I am grateful to have the opportunity, each and every day, to work for a cause I am passionate about and am also surrounded by other equally passionate individuals.
• I am grateful that I have a warm, comfortable and safe home to come to at the end of the day, where I can rejuvenate, rest, and be me.
• I am grateful that I still have both my parents in my life and to feel their love and support each and every day.
• I am grateful that I have lots of young children in my life, allowing me to see the future and giving me cause to work harder today.
• I am grateful that I work for an organization that is supported by so many wonderful and committed volunteers and supporters. Each and everyone adds fuel to our passion and therefore our work.
• I am grateful for the many donors that make a financial commitment to ending violence against women and children. I am grateful for the trust that comes from your contribution, allowing us to go forward as best as we can to make a difference.
• I am grateful that HAVEN exists, that I am here with this amazing team of staff and volunteers. Each time I walk through our counseling center lobby, visit our shelter, and see the faces of the people we serve, I am grateful that I have been given the opportunity to serve.

What are you thankful for?

 On behalf of all of us at HAVEN, I wish you and yours a safe and Happy Thanksgiving.

OCCCADV Awards

Oakland County Coordinating Council Against Domestic Violence (OCCCADV) was formed in 1994 and consists of over 150 members representing more than 50 organizations. The purpose is to coordinate broad based community response to domestic violence in Oakland County.

On November 2, they hosted an awards ceremony to thank community members for their outstanding support of OCCADV. Here are some of the recipients:

Mark Halley was nominated by Margaret  Yellin of HAVEN for his involvement in HAVEN Teen Advisory Council as well as his individual prevention and awareness efforts at his local high school.

PAH!  (Partners Advocating for Healing), a collaboration between HAVEN, Deaf CAN and Deaf Women’s Advocacy Services, received an award for their work in ensuring Deaf survivors of domestic and sexual violence receive culturally sensitive and accessible services when seeking help.

Julie Ladwig, a member of HAVEN Survivor Speakers Bureau, received an award for the countless hours she has volunteered her time as a speaker to raise awareness and educate the community about domestic violence.

For more information about the OCCADV please visit http://www.domesticviolence.org/.