Painful Cuts for Many

As I prepared materials for a recent HAVEN Board of Directors meeting, I couldn’t help but feel immersed in irony. A key point of discussion at many of our meetings is the current impact of the sequester (click for background info) on HAVEN’s budget as well as the yet to be determined impact as we look forward to FY 2014. Not a fun discussion to have as we consider how to continue to provide comprehensive quality programming to survivors in need AND make up for lost federal revenue in order to continue to support survivors.

The irony came as I conducted my quick, daily review of local and national media headlines.  I found story after story about violence against women:

• 3 Ohio Women Reunited with Family
• Man Charged with Attempted Murder after Throwing Girlfriend Out Window
• Police Seek Man Accused of Abducting Ex-Girlfriend

Rarely does a day go by that a story of domestic or sexual violence isn’t front-page news. Yet we must all keep in mind that these crimes remain two of the most underreported of all crimes and only a small percentage of those crimes that are actually reported make front-page news.

So how can our federal legislators continue to turn their backs on this problem? How could they find a fix for the FAA for flight delays but not for the thousands of victims in great need – those whose daily safety is at risk?  The estimate by multiple agencies (Campaign for Funding to End Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault) puts the number at over 100,000 victims left un-served. In the National Domestic Violence Counts Census Day over 64,000 adults and children received services from domestic violence programs and over 10,000 individuals on that one-day alone were un-served due to lack of resources (Funding Challenges for Domestic Violence Programs: The Impact on Victims).

And the Federal Government, the employer of the U.S. Military, is also failing to provide a safety net for sexual assault victims within the military and that is before any funding cuts: Military Plagued by Sexual Assaults.  Research has continued to show time and time again that the military is not providing protection for its female military members.  Sequestration cuts will only make bringing an end to this epidemic of abuse even more difficult.  The Department of Defense appears to already be holding back on the hiring of sexual assault response coordinators

Sequestration cuts to domestic and sexual violence services is a re-victimization of an already vulnerable population.  It allows for the sad stories like sexual assault by top military officials, local men attempting to kill or kidnap their partners and the unimaginable life of three women being held captive for years to continue to make headlines.

As we continue to have difficult discussions at HAVEN about how our local budget could impact the needs of survivors please remember to continue to talk about the need for safety and support for victims within your own circles.  And please contact your elected officials and urge them to act now to reach a solution to avoid these devastating cuts. Awareness is key now more than ever. 

Celebrating Michigan’s New Felony Strangulation Law

By Blair Grinn, First Response / Court Advocate, HAVEN

It’s true. All of us working in advocacy land are genuinely thrilled about this new law that went into effect April 1, 2013. Of course it seems odd to be so excited about something so cryptic, but hear me out. This is a giant victory for batterer accountability and enhanced protection for survivors of abuse. For the past seven years, folks have lobbied tirelessly to strengthen laws to prosecute assailants who use lethal force like strangulation.  Previously, strangling someone to the point of unconsciousness was categorized as a simple misdemeanor domestic assault and battery. The maximum punishment for a charge like that is up to 93 days in jail, but most likely an assailant would receive some form of probation. Sometimes he may even get the chance to have the case disappear from public record after a successful completion of probation. Suffice it to say, this was not the kind of accountability/justice/safety most victims were looking for.

The new law makes strangulation or suffocation a felony punishable by imprisonment for up to 10 years and/or a fine of up to $5,000. Strangling is defined as “intentionally impeding normal breathing or circulation of the blood by applying pressure on the throat or neck or by blocking the nose or mouth of another person.” Strangling is commonly mixed up with choking. They are not the same thing. If an abuser had forcefully shoved grapes down into a woman’s trachea to cut off her air passages, then yes, he choked her. Deliberately grabbing a woman’s neck and squeezing until she blacks out, is quite another situation. I cannot emphasize enough the level of danger and lethality that coincide with strangulation. It is literally a matter of seconds that can mean the difference between irreparable brain damage and death. Even a small amount of force applied in just the right area can be fatal. Loss of consciousness can happen in seven to thirteen seconds, the body can entirely expire in four minutes. That is not a lot of time by any stretch.

As an advocate, a major red flag always goes up for me when a client discloses that she was strangled. It is a big deal. Period. We have a well-documented list of proven “lethality indicators” that show how dangerous an abuser is becoming based on his current behaviors. Strangulation tops the list followed by biting, making threats to kill, sexual assault and having access to weapons, just to name a few. When I mention how serious this act is to clients, none are surprised. They know how close they came to death. Many have said verbatim, “I honestly thought he was going to kill me. I saw my life flash before my eyes.” That is not to be taken lightly. Thankfully these particular clients were able to survive their attacks, many women do not. Strangulation accounts for 10% of all violent deaths annually in the U.S. Women are six times more likely to be strangled than men. This is absolutely gendered violence. Feel free to click here for more facts on strangulation.

So far two cities in Oakland County have already charged the new strangulation felony. Not bad for a 39 day old law. I applaud our partners in law enforcement as well as the Oakland County Prosecutor’s Office for taking these crimes as seriously as we do; and for being the first in the state of Michigan to lead the way. I encourage them to continue in their commitment to a coordinated community response to end domestic violence. Everyone is affected by these dangerous crimes. Please spread the word.

Make Your Mark

This week (April 21-27, 2013) is National Volunteer Week.  A week set aside to encourage community engagement to create positive impact. At HAVEN we’d like to do more than just encourage.

First, we’d like to shout our gratitude from the rooftops for those that currently support our cause.  The volunteers and interns that have joined our organization to drive important social change deserve a rousing round of applause.  They give of themselves to enrich the lives of survivors and their families.

Our supporters work tirelessly to help end domestic violence and sexual assault and to provide treatment and prevention services to our clients.  Thank you to each of YOU for your dedication and the time you give so selflessly.  Your service to the HAVEN community is simply awesome!

And for those of you who are looking to make your mark, please contact HAVEN at (248) 334-1284.  Volunteers and Intern positions* are available in a wide variety of programs, including:

Community Volunteers – Assist programs with special projects, such as cultivating our vegetable garden, cleaning and painting the shelter or START house, and providing special services for shelter residents including, home cooked meals or treats, movie night, spa night, craft projects and more. Our community volunteers provide essential donations to keep the Residential and START programs running on a day-to-day basis.

Administrative – Volunteers and interns act as HAVEN ambassadors in the community and keep HAVEN moving forward by providing critical support services. They help with fundraising, office work, donation collection, display tables, maintenance projects and other important tasks.

Children’s Volunteer/Mentor – Take children in the Residential Program on field trips and help with other activities, provide tutoring to school-age children, and mentoring to children of all ages. This position requires a weekly commitment on a regular, flexible schedule for two – four hours.

Child Watch – Provide a fun and safe environment for children of all ages while their parent receives counseling services. This position requires a regularly scheduled weekly commitment and/or assistance on an as-needed basis, typically in the evening from 5:45-8:15 p.m.

Counseling – Volunteers and interns in this program must have a masters’ degree in a related field. They plan and facilitate individual and group counseling sessions for adult and child survivors. This position requires four hours per week, shifts are available Monday – Friday daytime or evening.

Crisis & Support Line – Do people always seem to tell you their story?  We urgently need volunteers and interns willing to be the first line of contact for people seeking HAVEN services.  Volunteers answer calls from people in the community, listening to stories and offering community resources.  This position requires four hours per week, shifts are available Monday – Saturday daytime or evening.

PPO Office Volunteer – Make the court process less intimidating for those seeking restraining orders.  Provide assistance and support to survivors of domestic violence, stalking, and physical abuse. Volunteers educate clients on procedures involved in obtaining a personal protection order. No legal experience is needed for this position. This position requires four hours per week, shifts are available Monday – Friday during the day.

Prevention Education – Teach others how to join the effort to stop violence and educate all ages on preventing interpersonal violence. Volunteers and interns present information to adults and teen groups about domestic/dating violence, sexual assault, sexual harassment, and child abuse. Volunteers are required to commit to three events per month from September 1- November 15, and two events per month from March 1 – May 31. This program requires that you previously spent one year in another Direct Service Program (interns may start immediately).

Residential Volunteer – Can you imagine what it would be like to have to flee your home?  Keep our shelter running by providing direct assistance to residents.  Share your skills, strength and support. Volunteers and interns help survivors in the Residential Program with their daily living needs. This position requires a weekly four-hour commitment with flexible availability.

Social Action – Are you compassionate, calm and reassuring during a crisis?  We urgently need volunteers who are willing to meet survivors in the moments after an assault. Volunteers and interns offer on-call crisis intervention to survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault at Oakland County hospitals, police departments, and HAVEN START program. This position requires you to be on-call 48 hours per month. Scheduling is flexible but requires you to be on-call between Friday evening and Sunday evening. You must live in or near Oakland County and have a car and a driver’s license.

*Please Note: All volunteers and interns receive comprehensive training and on-going supervision from HAVEN staff. Internship hour requirements will be more extensive than volunteer hours (based on school and agency requirements).

Can You Pass This Pop Quiz?

What causes rape?

A.  Being flirtatious
B.  Wearing a short skirt
C.  Drinking too much
D.  RAPISTS

As the leader of an organization that provides education and treatment for rape I think it’s important to remind everyone whom the guilty party is when it comes to this horrific crime.  Time and time again, individuals, including news reporters and even judges, do not focus on the one who has committed the crime in the first place but rather turn their sights on the survivor.

They want to know what she was wearing?  Was she drinking?  Did she leave with him? Why was she out so late?  What is her reputation?  And the list goes on….

This damaging mentality, called victim blaming, occurs all-too-often and has been very obvious most recently in the high-profile Steubenville case.  Why does it happen?  A victim-blaming mindset allows individuals to distance themselves from the realization that they too are vulnerable to such a crime.  By holding the person that has been violated as partially responsible they reassure themself that since they are “not like” the rape survivor rape could not happen to them.

Rape is already a violation of someone’s body and spirit.  Why must we follow up with an assault on the survivor’s dignity by questioning what she was wearing or why she chose to stay out late?  For our own self-assurance?  Imagine if the types of questions that are asked of rape survivors were asked of a robbery victim.  Click here for an interesting exercise depicting this idea.  Absurd isn’t it?

Many times rape survivors, who may be already facing a myriad of feelings, including shame and guilt, don’t come forward, for fear of the reaction from others, making it one of the most unreported crimes.  HAVEN’s Safe Therapeutic Assault Response Team (START), made up of forensic nurses, physician’s assistants, and HAVEN advocates has also seen an increase in survivors choosing not to file a police report.

In 2012, START served approximately 200 victims of sexual assault with about 25% of them in their early to mid-teens.  The patients received both emotional support by the advocate and therapeutic medical care in a safe environment.  Even with emotional support and medical care, some survivors still find it too difficult to press charges for fear of social rejection and the stigma associated with rape.

During this Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I urge you to review your own actions and words when it comes to rape.  When you hear of one of these life-altering, horrific crimes do you question what the rape victim did or didn’t do that could have caused the rape?

Instead of contributing to this problem, be part of the change and challenge victim-blaming statements when you hear them.  Don’t revictimize a survivor for a traumatic event that was out of their control.  Your show of support and respect to survivors is what will lift them up on their road to recovery.

If you or someone you know needs help or would like more information about START, call our Crisis and Support Line at 1-877-922-1274.

Don’t forget!  Help raise awareness of sexual assault by donning your favorite blues on Denim Day held April 26, 2013.  For more information about participating in Denim Day or making a donation to support victims of sexual assault and domestic violence, contact HAVEN at 248-334-1284, ext. 346.

Sound the Toy Car Horns!

Mattel’s Vice President of US Marketing, Matt Peterson, recently conducted a focus group with a group of mommy bloggers over mimosas and brunch to uncover why us moms don’t know how to play with toy cars and trucks.  When I learned of this I was horrified and wondered what kind of damage we have been doing to our sons! 

Prompted by a drop in toy car sales and the realization that women, many of whom are mothers, account for 85% of all consumer purchases including everything from life-sized cars to healthcare, Peterson was determined to understand why mom, “…doesn’t get why cars, engines, and all the shapes and crashing and smashing are so cool.”  Read the article here.

As a mom, of an obviously neglected almost 22-year-old son, and a great aunt of 6 Hot Wheel loving little boys, I began pondering where this shortcoming could have stemmed from in my own life.  Was it handed down from my own mom?  Could I as a 50+-year-old woman change my ways?  Clearly, I need to correct this flaw in case I someday become a grandmother of a boy.  Mattel’s bottom line depends on it.

In my personal reflection, I thought it might be best to begin with an examination of my closest male sibling, Doug, who is two years older.  Since we grew up in the same home, with the same parents and exposure to the same toys, etc. it seemed like the best place to start. Plus he is the father of 3 sons.

In looking at some early photos, there we are, playing with Tonka Trucks together.  Oh, another photo of us playing with Barbie dolls together.  And then another photo of us playing with tractors. Oops, how did this photo of my mom playing with cars with us sneak in here? Ok so maybe my flaw isn’t related to my early years of toys, as it seems like all is equal there.

Let’s see – Doug and I both mowed the lawn with the same driving lawn mower and both drove snowmobiles. That can’t be it. Considering we both completed driver’s training from the same instructor when we turned 15 and both received our driver’s licenses on our 16^th birthdays, that can’t be it either.  Both of us had early car accidents and speeding tickets and we both had to be pushed out of ditches during snowstorms.  It looks like our experience in driving a real car is nearly identical so that can’t be it.

So why is Doug more competent in his ability to play with toy cars with his sons and according to Mattel I’m a failure?  Hmmm, it could only be one thing…of course he has a penis and I don’t!

Now that I have fully expressed my sarcasm – come on Mattel?  Seriously?  Do you strive to continue to be the international leader in sexism in toys (don’t’ get me started on Mattel’s recent release of Barbie and her new career line)?

I can’t even begin to count the hours, upon hours that I have played with Hot Wheels, Tonka Trucks and all other brands of toy vehicles as a child, an aunt, a mom and now a great aunt. HOURS!  And I can proudly say I have yet to log a complaint from a child – male or female – that my ability to maneuver, crash or say “vroom, vroom” didn’t stack up to my male counterparts.  Ironically, I just bought (and played with) some Matchbox cars for two of my great nephews two weeks ago!

At a recent meeting with about 40 other women, I shared the “research” that Mattel conducted and the women burst out laughing then proceeded to share story after story about their Hot Wheel moments. 

So Matt Peterson, we invite you to come and host a focus group here in Michigan.  We’d be happy to enlighten you about our experiences playing with cars and trucks and also provide a debriefing about sexism.  Just don’t forget the mimosas.

Click here to chime in and let Matt Peterson and Mattel know how you feel.

Marching Forth

On February 14^th we united with women and men from around the world and danced, as part of One Billion Rising, to raise awareness about violence against women and girls.  Then, following 500 days of inaction, the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) was finally reauthorized by the U.S. House of Representatives.  We danced, we e-mailed, we called, we wrote, and we spoke out.

So here, we stand on March 4^th, one of my favorite days because it commands you to make an effort, take a risk, or refuse to let excuses come between you and your goals.  Even on a day that inspires, somewhere another man will rape or beat their partner.  And by the end of today another woman and another child will experience pain at the hands of someone who pledged to love them.

We can continue to enact legislation and laws. We can continue to raise awareness and alarm. But are we all fully committed to make the systematic and social change needed to eliminate these horrific crimes? Are we ready to examine what is keeping us from having safe, equal and accountable communities? Are we prepared to insist, demand, and expect our leaders to make equality a top priority?

March Forth – right now.  The simplest way to start YOUR march is to be educated. Educate yourself about domestic violence and sexual assault by visiting HAVEN’s website. Armed with this information, pass it on. Share this post with others.  Send the links above to family and friends and encourage them to read for themselves and then pass it on.  Become advocates and ambassadors – tweet about it, post it on Facebook, talk about it with your co-workers. E-mail your elected officials and thank them for reauthorizing VAWA and remind them there is still much work to be done.

Let’s not wait another moment longer.  It is time to capitalize on the One Billion Rising movement and the reauthorization of VAWA and keep this issue on the forefront.  Let’s March Forth together and insist on this necessary social change. 

Love is Not Abuse

As parents, we have an inherent need to protect our children and keep them safe.  We teach them to trust their instincts and empower them to say “no” when something doesn’t feel right.  Maintaining a healthy, communicative relationship where our children feel trusted and supported will help them grow up to be assertive, self-aware individuals, right?  Easier stated than created – especially with teenagers.

At an age when privacy is king sometimes the last person your teen wants to talk to about personal stuff, like dating relationships, is you.  And let’s face it it’s not always our favorite topic of discussion either, especially if your child is of the opposite sex.  But back to the beginning, it’s our job to protect our children and talking about what constitutes a healthy, respectful relationship vs. an abusive relationship is a conversation you need to start and continue.

Dating abuse is a serious problem, affecting youth in every community across the nation.  According to Break the Cycle, one in three teens in the U.S. is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner, a figure that far exceeds rates of other types of youth violence.  Physical signs such as bruises or other unexplained injuries can be a telltale sign that your teen has been affected, however, it’s not always that obvious.

According to the Love is Not Abuse campaign, your teen may have an abusive partner if:

Your Teen

• Apologizes and/or makes excuses for his/her partner’s behavior.
• Loses interest in activities that he/she used to enjoy.
• Stops seeing friends and family members and becomes more and more isolated.
• Casually mentions the partner’s violent behavior, but laughs it off as a joke.
• Often provides explanations that don’t make sense.

 

Your Teen’s Partner:

• Calls your teen names and puts him/her down in front of others.
• Acts extremely jealous of others who pay attention to your teen.
• Thinks or tells your teen that you, the parent(s), don’t like them.
• Controls your teen’s behavior, checking up constantly, calling or texting,
 and demanding to know who he/she has been with.

You:

• See the partner violently lose their temper, striking or breaking objects.

 

What can you do if you suspect that your teen is in an abusive relationship?

• Express your concern for their safety.
• Be supportive and non-judgmental.
• Connect your child with a professional or support group that assist them through this difficult time.
• Assure your child that you are there to help keep them safe and develop a safety plan.
• Understand that ultimately your child must be the one that decides to leave the relationship.  Forbidding them to see their abuser could potentially drive them away from you.
• If your teen denies the abuse, continue monitoring the situation closely while providing as much support as possible.

As Oakland County’s center for prevention and treatment of domestic abuse and sexual assault, HAVEN offers many programs including, individual and group counseling for survivors and a 24-hour crisis and support telephone line.  Trained prevention specialists are also available to present The Skills for Violence-Free Relationships school program that concentrates on raising middle school and high school students’ awareness of sexual assault, dating violence, and sexual harassment.

Encourage your teen to help take a stand against teen dating violence.  HAVEN’s Teen Advisory Council is an opportunity for teens aged 13–17 to receive training on domestic violence, dating violence and sexual assault. The group typically meets twice a month and also works on projects related to the youth clients at HAVEN.

If you are seeking immediate assistance for your teen or support in approaching the subject with your teen contact HAVEN’s 24-hour Crisis and Support line at (877) 922-1274.  To schedule a school presentation or to attend a Teen Advisory Council meeting, contact Cristy Cardinal at Prevention@haven-oakland.org.