Sex and consent

By Ernestine McRae, HAVEN Residential Program Director

What a position it must have been for my father, or for any father, who finally decides it’s time to stretch those parenting muscles and have “the talk” with his daughters.

For me and my sisters, “the talk” was supported by a book about the birds and the bees that outlined everything in perfect clinical fashion.  To have such a helpful tool must have been quite a relief for my father.  He could have ended the discussion right there and given himself a pat on the back for making sure his daughters knew all there was to know.  However, he saw a need for more.  More discussion about intimacy, more discussion about the role sex plays in any healthy relationship, and more, much more, about consent.

True to his character, my father also saw the need for a more visual example and before we knew it, my sisters and I were whisked off to the local movie theatre for “more” in the form of the now cult favorite motion picture Super Fly.  Yes, I’m dating myself with this reference, I know.

My father’s point was to show us how women are often coerced, forced and bullied into doing things (including prostitution) that they don’t want to do.  I see now that this was his way of starting the discussion about sexual assault and rape, and educating us about the  necessity of consent.

Everyone has different views about sex and preferences. Sex is intimate, romantic, caring, and loving.  Sex has and will always play a role in any healthy relationship.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of or shy about. The one intrinsic quality about sex is that it’s consensual.

There is no going around this fundamental definition.  Sex, or the term “having sex,” communicates that all individuals involved have agreed to engage.

Obtaining sex by threats, force, intimidation, coercion or while someone is unable to use the word “NO” is rape.  It’s not sex.

In addition, we must all understand that being unable to use the words “NO” or being unable to give consent includes individuals who are intoxicated and children who are not mature or old enough to consent or legally say “Yes.”  So that’s an automatic “NO!”

Yes, my father’s tactics may have been different, unorthodox even, but the one thing he understood and wanted us to understand was the meaning of consent and the true definition of sex.

I am thankful to him for his efforts, and I encourage all of us to examine our belief surrounding consent, learn the laws concerning consent and find any tool, whether clinical or creative, to inform our children about the requirement of consent in sexual relationships.



Filed under Call to action

2 responses to “Sex and consent

  1. Pingback: Sex and Consent | ASK In Your Face

  2. Marsha Mercier

    Your message about consent is an important one. I wasn’t given a voice as a child and was molested from the time I was a toddler until I was eleven years old. My sisters were also abused and it wasnt until I was 19 and found out that my baby sister was still being abused that I finally found my voice and got the authority involved. He never spent another free day in his life. He died in prison at the age of 59. If someone had sate down at an earlier age and thought me about consent, maybe I would have found my voice sooner and my little sister wouldn’t have had to go through the years of abuse that she did!

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